So if we are hurt, then we tend to believe the other party intention was to hurt us, and that’s often just not the case. So let’s look at the triphonics of conversation and how our awareness of them can help us in our conversations, especially with those difficult dialogues that life in a fallen world often compels us to have. So we should hesitate to go in a direction that tries to attribute motive to another and deflects the conversation in the process. The following items are tagged three conversations: Negotiating Difficult Conversations: Dealing with Tough Topics Productively. I call them the Three As: the Avoider, the Aggressor and the Accomplished. We tend to focus on what we are “broadcasting” to others, and in doing so, we miss much of what often is going on. What gets us off track is that often we only think consciously about one of those levels. Needlessly to say, I highly recommend “Difficult Conversations”. Both their feelings and your feelings. Difficult conversations don’t need to be discussions to fight through; they may become moments where iron really does sharpen iron. Example: Discussing Open or Closed Window. What does paying attention to triphonics and to the other person accomplish in a conversation? Does it feel like I’m being rude? While difficult conversations can be stressful, you can navigate them calmly by having an inquisitive attitude and being genuinely interested in what the other person says. But even the most experienced project managers can feel nervous about having a difficult conversation. three conversations. It is not simple English anymore as in Level 1 and Level 2. The authors say we should instead focus on finding out how we all contribute to the situation. Once the other party feels heard, it calms them down, makes them more likely to hear you and exponentially increases the chances of effective problem resolution. A job review for example, or talking about how to fix a big mistake. In a difficult conversation, this is usually where the real action is. This usually results in internal identity conversation about ones competency, goodness, or whether they are worthy of being loved. Douglas and Heen provide a lot of practical advice and real-life examples. All Content © 2020 Dallas Theological Seminary. One of the core elements of conversation involves the three levels to work simultaneously. That is different than the assessment of who is right or wrong or what mix of right or wrong is going on. They are not husband and wife as I had originally thought but, as they say themselves, still friends after 20 years of learning and teaching together. Pay attention to the three levels within the conversational perspective that might be getting in the way, but also seek to understand where the other person is coming from and why. The authors say that while many of us tend too often to avoid difficult conversations, sometimes it does indeed make no sense to have the conversation. That is where understanding triphonics comes in handy. You: OK, and how od you feel when I leave the window open. The best way to go instead is with a “third story” perspective to describe the issue in neutral terms. When the parties cannot find a solution working for both, they must decide on whether to accept a smaller solution, deal with the consequences or walk away. We all have an inner voice that tells us when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone—a conversation that, if it took place, would improve life at the office for ourselves and for everyone else on our team. Most everyone dreads the difficult, challenging conversation. How many times have you left a difficult conversation and replayed the scenario in your mind over and over again? Understanding how discussions work and what can make them break down is important. Assumption 1: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the situation. Usually the reason behind such strong feelings and emotions is that they have a lot at stake and they dread the consequences such as a conflict. The authors say it’s a human tendency of thinking in terms of all or nothing that can make the identity level of the conversation so touchy. I feel like I’m trying to look at the issue from both perspectives. Oftentimes we confuse these two distinct categories and jump to assessing before understanding. The author holds a master's degree from La Sapienza, department of communication and sociological research, and is a member of the American Psychology Association (APA). Difficult Conversations is possibly the best book I have read on effective communication (and indeed it ranks first in my “best communication skills books“). Handling difficult conversations well can put a stop to poor team performance, financial misunderstandings, and plain old unrealistic client expectations before they become issues that put your project at serious risk. First, there is the what happened level which is mostly about facts (e.g. Difficult Conversations* •Conversations that address issues or provide feedback that may be sensitive or unwelcome •Conversations that address tension resulting from misunderstanding or differences in opinions and beliefs •Conversations that focus on uncovering and understanding truths and may involve strong emotions *Difficult Conversations Handout, taken from the book “Fierce Convers The “What Happened?” Conversation. It communicates respect for the other person and allows the potential for a better exchange. Difficult conversations often have three levels. Letting Go: Do You Really Need The Conversation? All leaders have difficult conversations at some point in time, whether it’s telling an employee they aren’t getting a raise or a promotion, disciplining poor performance, or … DTS Voice offers biblically-centered articles, stories, podcasts, and points of view from the DTS family designed to encourage and equip the church for gospel transformation. We fail to make a real effort to understand them first before engaging in any problem solving about the conversation we are having. Final thoughts. That will give you more insights and will also give you a better idea on whether it makes sense to have a conversation or if it’s mostly an issue that you have within yourself only -an identity crisis for example-. When you start a difficult conversation, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable — and that’s okay. Conversations are a primary way we relate to others. Encourage them to paraphrase or offer to paraphrase what they have said. In other words, tone matters. When there's a problem at work, it should be tackled quickly. Don’t present your views as if they were the only truth, use the “and stance” and avoid any exaggeration such as “you always” or “you never”, which are a sure fire way of raising the other party’s defensive walls. Being aware of our own emotions, perceptions, and judgments helps us in these conversations, especially difficult ones. When we put up phasor shields in reaction to comments, we often short circuit a conversation that has some potential for learning. What gets us off track is that often we only think consciously about one of those levels. Difficult conversations with employees are unavoidable, whether it’s a performance issue or failed project. My Note: The identity side will always hit harder those people who have a fixed mindset. 2. Training can help to give you the confidence you need. Staying aware of the triphonics of conversations may just be the anvil we need to turn difficult dialogue into revealing learning. Telling first our own contributions can help the other party move away from the natural tendency of blaming. You: OK, and does it inconvenience you when I leave you the window open?Them: Totally! He is often an expert for the media on NT issues. Read here how to develop a growth mindset and how to develop an antifragile identity. Also, the personal views and feelings are no less -and no more- legitimate and important than any other party. This premature leap often creates a misunderstanding in what is happening, so that progress in the conversation ceases. Unfortunately, these type of exchanges are unavoidable in life. Our challenge: the situation is more complex than either person alone can see. Don’t mistake them for facts, this is important, but don’t pretend that feelings are not there. The answer is short. What do I do then?” The approach in this situation is to try and reframe the conversation in a direction that pushes toward the curiosity door. We call these levels the "Three Conversations." Now in engagement, there often is a case to be made, and the rationale for the position taken is crucial. That will give you more insights and will also give you a better idea on whether it makes sense to have a conversation or if it’s mostly an issue that you have within yourself only -an identity crisis for example-. Joel Garfinkle is an executive leadership coach and author of Getting Ahead: Three Steps to Take Your Career to the Next Level and Difficult Conversations: Practical Tactics for Crucial Communication. Difficult conversations are all those conversations we’d rather avoid. Level 3 Skillsfirst Award in ‘Dealing With Difficult Conversations’ By popular demand and as a first step to a level 3 qualification to conduct Investigative (Forensic) Interviews in Health and Safety we have launched this 2-day face to face training course as a core competency of, and complementary to, any other investigation training you may have undertaken. Difficult workplace conversations: the best strategies for managing them. The simple solution is to ask the other party what was their intent. The key to being a good listener is very simple: be genuinely curious and genuinely concerned about the other party. This is what it means to “own your junk.”. How am I impacted in my soul by what is going on? Remember that you both need to agree on the solution, and that they have to persuade you as much as you need to persuade them. 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